Siblings

I try to be one of those people that doesn't let things get to me, but they do.  I will say I'm okay, or I understand because I don't want my irrational hurt (because usually it is irrational, and then I even out) to cause more hurt or make things worse.  It takes me a while to process, the good and the bad, so really it's best to let me internalize it for a while.  I know that can lead to blow ups and seemingly spontaneous crying fits.  I try not to let it get that bad, but sometimes it just does.  I realized (as I have been stewing about something), I should just write about it.  So, here goes.

Some history first, because I feel like it is required.  My sisters and I have three older half siblings.  I'm changing their names for privacy and will attempt to be vague about too many details in their lives for the same reason.   It's not a big secret.  I don't omit them or pretend they don't exist, they just never come up because they are not a part of our lives.  We've always known about them, but we didn't get to grow up with them and we didn't get to meet them.  I'm not going to go into the details of why, but suffice to say our relationship (or lack there of) was determined by people that thought they were making the best choices for those involved at the time.  Growing up I was always curious, hopeful, and a little afraid that they would appear one day.  I wanted to meet them, these big sisters I always wanted, but I was afraid that maybe they didn't want us or that they were somehow mad at us.

Jane, Mary, and Anne.  Growing up we had been shown pictures of them.  Our grandma had some school photos that had been provided to her, and one of our favorite things to do when we would visit was look at her photo albums.  I think if you could take a photo of the six of us with dad you would see a family resemblance, but in passing I don't think it would be as obvious.  When I was younger I wondered if I would recognize them if we ever ran into them.  The pictures grandma had were old by the time we got our hands on them.  We knew about them, I wondered if they knew about us.

It was around my third year of college when I became aware that Anne was in Portland.  Somehow I also knew where she was working.  It seemed so strange to me, here is this person I'm related to but have never met just a few hours away.  And then it hit me, what was stopping me from meeting her?  After 20 some years of pretty much living in the same place and no one showing up to meet us maybe it was time to make a move.  The only thing that holding me back was not wanting to do something that would come back and hurt dad, or anyone.  But I was tired of not knowing these sisters and all of the sudden I had a way to do something about that.

I talked to dad and told him what I wanted to do.  The idea was, to go up to her place of work with a small support group and finally meet her.  Melanie was going to college not to far from where Anne was working, so my roommate Jayne and I would go stay the night with Melanie and her roommate Sam, and then the four of us would go meed Anne.  I hoped it would go well, and she would want to get to know us and then Sara could meet her.  Dad understood where I was coming from, and was supportive about us meeting her.  Always protective, I was reminded not to get my hopes up because we had no way of knowing what they had been told growing up.  Maybe there was a reason they had not come looking for us and our intrusion (because it very well could be perceived as such) into Anne's life could be unwelcome.  I went in knowing it may not be a good experience.

Planning to do it was easy enough, it was when we were actually headed there and on our way into where she worked that I became incredibly nervous.  The details of the actual event are pretty fuzzy.  I was really glad to have Melanie, Jayne and Sam with me.  We were just showing up, unannounced at Anne's place of employment.  I was a little freaked out about how she was going to respond.  We found the restaurant, and we were seated at a nice table.  I remember wondering what on earth I was doing and was questioning the path I was going down.  Having Melanie there was a huge help.  In an uncharacteristic moment, I took charge of the situation and set things in motion.  I asked the server if Anne was working, which she was, and then asked if he could send her over at her convenience.

Anne came over, and we introduced ourselves.  The encounter is kind of a crazy blur.  I'm pretty sure I was the spokesperson for our group, which is very much unlike me.  I know Anne was surprised and not entirely thrilled, but she handled it well.  She didn't freak out.  She was actually very nice, and more open to the experience than she could have been.  She could have simply said "nope" and walked away.  Instead she took a break and sat down with us to talk.  I told her why we had come, that we didn't have any expectations.  We just wanted to meet her.  We told her what we knew about the situation.  Anne was surprised we knew as much about them as we did, and I was surprised they knew as little about us as they did.  I like to think it meant something, on some level, to Anne that they weren't forgotten.  We exchanged information, and she politely thanked us for finding her, and told us we had given her a lot to think about.  I hoped she would write, but I wasn't sure.

I think we did exchange a few notes or holiday cards, but it would be years after that first meeting before we would get together with Anne again.  I felt good about finally meeting Anne, but there was still this weird awareness that there were sisters out there we didn't know, that were not a part of our lives.

I think the next time we connected with Anne was with Sara's help.  Sara is the more, bold and outgoing of the three of us.  She is really good at making things happen when she wants them to.  She reached out to Anne after she was up at college.  Anne was at a different place in her life, as were all of us.  I think this time around she was a little more curious, and now she had finally met all three of us.  Sara and her husband, Spouse (I know, creative), started getting together with Anne and her fiance, Henry,  Sara invited David and I to one of these dinners that she and Spouse were hosting at their apartment.  We went and had a nice time.  We ended up doing a few more meals together over the next few years.

Getting to know Anne, and Henry, gave me some insight.  We both had very different understandings of what had happened between her mom and our dad.  Also, while none of them held anything specific against the three of us, she was the only one that had any interest in getting to know us.  Jane and Mary wanted nothing to do with us.  I feel like we were thought of as another complication in lives that were already full of complications.  By talking to us, Anne was putting herself in the middle with Jane and Mary.  We weren't pressuring her to introduce us to them, I think they gave her a bit of a hard time for spending any time with us, and I think it was hard for Anne to defend her choice to them.

I have to believe Anne did the best she could, without making things more difficult with her sisters.  It is hard sometimes to understand where they are coming from, but from what we knew of their childhood and adult lives they have their hands full.  It would  have been nice to have talked to them about the things they went though, but it clearly was not meant to be.  While I don't think it's right, having to "take sides," if the table were turned and Melanie and Sara were against meeting Jane, Anne and Mary I would be doing my best not to upset my relationship with either of them.  I wish Jane and Mary could remove how they feel about our dad from the situation and focus on the three half sisters who would love to meet them.  I happen to think Melanie and Sara are pretty awesome, and my life is so much fuller for having them be a part of it.  Jane and Mary are really missing out, and Anne is too because she has to choose.

Okay, sorry about taking so long to get to what this post is really about.  I still feel like the back story was important.  Anne and Henry got married.  They had been waiting for a long time, and I am truly happy for them that they finally made it happen.  Melanie, Sara, and I were not included in the big day.  We weren't invited to the wedding, we weren't invited to any showers, parties, brunches, etc.  I'm not surprised, given how Jane and Mary felt about us it was pretty obvious we wouldn't be included.  I was still hoping there would be a chance there would be some function we'd be invited to that was less family-centric because it would have been really nice to share in this happy time with Anne and Henry.  The weeks leading up to the wedding there were pictures on Facebook of the various brunches, parties and celebrations.  I didn't want to feel hurt that I was not included, but it did hurt.  I understand why, I really do, but it doesn't make it suck any less.  I can't help but think that if Anne really wanted us to feel a part of things or to share in any part of her big event she would have made it happen.

I should probably talk to Anne about how I feel, but this family thing is really touchy in ways I just don't understand.  I wish that Jane and Mary could put aside how they feel about our dad and realize we had nothing to do with what happened.  Instead I feel like in their eyes we carry the "sins" of our father.  I don't have any ill will towards them for the "sins" of their mother.  I don't know if things will ever change.  I guess I have to accept that I will probably spend the rest of my life hating that we never really got the chance to really connect with them, and it's because they didn't want anything to do with us.  Rejection is the worst.

I don't want to end this post on a downer.  I am thankful for the time I've been able to spend with Anne.  But I'm incredibly thankful for the two lovely ladies below that are a part of my life.  We may not always agree, we may not always get along, but not matter what they are here for me.  They love me, they are supportive of me, and they are amazing women.  They are my sisters, I love you Melanie and Sara!

Melanie, Sara, and me

Currently

These formatted updates are about all my brain is good for right now.  Just want to again say I'm still here!

Doing:  Taking a much needed mental break from work.  I don't know why, but it has just been crazy and I feel like I am barely keeping float.

Thinking about:  How busy the next few month are going to be, and how I am going to deal with the stress and anxiety I already feel creeping in.

Watching:  So much stuff!  Parenthood, I can't believe this is the last season.  I am heartbroken over this.  At least I know The Walking Dead will be around for a while yet, and yes I am a fan.  Also happy to have Ghost Hunters back.  We have also been watching Gotham, which has been interesting but yet doesn't always manage to hold my attention.  Next month the final season of The Newsroom should start, another favorite that I am very sad to see go.

Looking forward to:  Dare I say the weekend?  We were just out of town on a lovely anniversary getaway.  It is so hard to come back (even though we missed out bed and our cranky kitty) after a lovely time away.  If you find yourself in the Bend Oregon, check out McMenamin's Old St. Francis School.  We were impressed with their menu, and as always loved the laid back feel of hanging out there.  This weekend we have a play date with some friends we haven't seen in over a year (being a grownup sucks sometimes) and I'm very much looking forward to catching up with them!

Reading:  I am finally reading the Bright Empires series by Stephen R. Lawhead.  I'm on the 4th of 5 books, the last book comes out early next month.  After that I'm not sure where I'll land.  I have a lot

Loving:  My husband.  He makes every day better for just being a part of it.  This is also our favorite time of year.  I love the colors of fall, the call of the pumpkin patch, the cooler air, and the rain (which we had a nice downpour of recently).  Wine tastes better this time of year.  David makes me batches of yummy soups.

Taking Stock

It's been too long since I posted anything.  I have several posts started, but I can't seem to finish anything.  I'm still here, just really busy and apparently partially brain dead.  Here is a taking stock post for the month of September!

Making:  lists of things to be done.  It's been a crazy month, and I'm trying to make lists so I don't forget anything important.  Next month is going to be more of the same, but with fun fall activities and an anniversary thrown in, so there will be things to look forward to.

Cooking:  Nothing, I have the best husband ever!

Drinking:  Coffee.

Reading:  Re-reading the Harry Dresden series (Dresden Files) by Jim Butcher.

Looking:  Forward to the weekend.  The weather is cooling down, so hopefully David can get some workshop time.  Also, I get to have my winter wrist tattoo worked on which I am super excited about!

Playing:  Facebook games.

Wasting:  Time.  I'm feeling guilty that I haven't been writing.  I've even been neglecting my journal.  Every day is one day less I have to get better at it.

Sewing:  I'm playing with a fall leaves pattern that I think might make pretty quilt squares.  I need to talk to my mom about it.

Wishing:  I was in Bend with David (we have a getaway planned that can't come fast enough!)

Enjoying:  The cooler weather, the rain, and fall tv programs returning.

Waiting:  For the end of the work day, I'm ready to be home!

Liking:  The cooler weather.  I really hate hot days and nights.

Wondering:  How trial is going (work related).

Loving:  My husband.  Always.

Hoping:  That it is a calm weekend.

Marveling:  The crazy weather.  It's hot, it's cold, it's wet, it's dry, it's hot and wet... gah!!

Needing:  A beach weekend with David.  I'm really excited about Bend-that will help!

Smelling:  Coffee.

Wearing:  Casual attire.  Red t-shirt, light brown pants, and red converse.

Following:  Several texts with friends and family.

Noticing:  I'm really grumpy and easily distracted today.

Feeling:  Hungry.

Opening:  My drawer, looking for snacks!

Currently

I've been wanting to blog, but have been having trouble finding something I can really sit and write about.  I'm still here.  I'm just tired.  It's a crazy time of year in my family.  August and September are two big birthday months, and it just seems like everything is going to happen all at the same time.  Since I'm brain dead I thought I'd do a currently post.  Without further ado...

Doing:  Watching some recorded tv, sipping wine, looking at converse and giggling with my husband about how many pairs of converse we actually need.  (The answer is there there is no set number, we need all the shoes)

Thinking about:  The crazy months ahead.  This month is fully of birthdays, as is next month.  We have gifts bought, and plans made, but there is still this crazy feeling.  It's not a bad thing, being busy helps make the hot time of year go by a little bit faster.

Watching:  One of our favorite summer time programs is So You Think You Can Dance-it it is on its 11th season right now and just as exciting as the first!  We've also been watching some Master Chef, and The Strain.  In between all of that we have been marathoning CSI: Miami.  I had no idea there were 10 seasons of that show.  We are in season 4 now.

Looking forward to:  Wednesday and Sunday.  We get to see my sister and the kids tomorrow!  We also get to give our nephew his birthday gift-I hope he is as excited as we are!  Then Sunday we get to see them again for our niece's birthday!  They are such amazing kids.  Sweet and shy, and I love them to pieces!

Reading:  I just finished re-reading the Cousin's War and the Tudor Series by Philippa Gregory.  I'm currently re-reading the Sookie Stackhouse Series by Charlaine Harris.  Once I get all that out of my system I have some new books to read that I'm looking forward to, like the new Harry Dresden book, Skin Games.

Loving:  My husband, of course.  But also some wine, from Revelry.  We've had the Merlot (yes, I like fucking Merlot-and anyone who has watched Sideways will get that), and the Cabernet Sauvignon and have enjoyed both very much.

I think that's about it for now.  I hope everyone else is doing well and enjoying what is left of the summer!

Puppy and her Toy

I haven't posted any cat pictures for awhile.  I guess I haven't really been taking as many pictures, or I'm just lazy.  What ever the case, these pictures were too cute not to share!

When my friend from Georgia visited, she brought Puppy some presents.  One of them was a catnip cigar.  This is Puppy enjoying her cigar!

Checking it out...seeing if it's worth her notice.

Definitely interested.

Clearly it belongs to her-and if we try to take it we will come away with a bloody stump!

She actually really likes it.  Unfortunately, catnip makes Puppy mean.  She doesn't get it very often, but when she does she's really cute with it.  We just have to wait for her to be completely done with it.  Then she removes herself from the toy and we are able to put it away without incident.  Whatever her mood, she's always entertaining and we are crazy about her.  I am a crazy cat lady.

Taking Stock

I thought maybe I'd try to post one of these once a month.  Here is one for July!

Making:  Piles.  I'm trying to pick up some of my messes and put stuff away.  I have a lot of sorting I need to do.  How does that happen?

Cooking:  Nothing right now.  Maybe I'll find some inspiration this weekend!  I really wish I didn't crave junk food, because I just can't make and have that stuff in the house.

Drinking:  Dr. Pepper and water.

Reading:  Re-reading "Living Dead in Dallas" by Charlaine Harris.  I wish the TV show wouldn't have gone so far off track.

Looking:  Forward to having my husband home.  He's been out of town for work and I really miss him when he's gone.  I don't like time away from him, and I know he's not happy either.  I'm looking forward to the first hug when he comes into the house.

Playing:  Facebook games.  I can't help myself.

Wasting:  Time.  I'm restless and having a hard time focusing on one task.

Sewing:  I'm working on getting my next project mapped out.  I finished the secret project, it's in someone else's hands now.  It's nice to be done with it and able to start my next one.

Wishing:  For a long weekend.  I wish this weekend was a three day (or longer, hee hee) weekend.

Enjoying:  So You Think You Can Dance.  I look forward to it every season, and I can't wait to watch last nights episode with David this weekend.  So much talent, and amazing dancing!

Waiting:  For David's plan to land.  (Can you tell I miss him?)

Liking:  The crazy blue nail polish I have on.  (it's called Liberty)

Wondering:  What tomorrow has in store for me.

Loving:  My husband.  Always.

Hoping:  Tomorrow goes fast.

Marveling:  At how fast the grass has been growing.

Needing:  A beach weekend with David.  We will have one, just have to survive the summer first!

Smelling:  The lingering aroma of sweet potato fries.

Wearing:  Casual attire.  T-shirt and jeans with red converse.

Following:  Several texts with friends and family.

Noticing:  I'm really good at spacing out and getting distracted.

Feeling:  Wiped out.

Opening:  Browser windows, so I can blog and play Facebook games.

Journal Day #14

Journal Day #14 - Plans
Prompt:  Think about the plans you had for your adult self when you were younger-would you say they match up to your reality today?  What did you wish for your future when you were a child?  Did you have a plan?  And would you say you've followed that plan in any way?  This week, look at the life you hoped to have (even if you consider your childhood "dreams" silly now) and see how your current life compares.

Growing up I wanted to be like my mom.  I wanted to be married and have kids.  I wanted a house, and pets (cats).  And I was going to be a nurse, just like my mom.  Then I discovered I didn't deal well with the sight of blood (translation: I would see blood and pass out).  Being a nurse was no longer party of my vision.  Then I wanted to be a teacher (English or Music), or maybe a librarian.  I would write in my free time.  I wanted to be surrounded by books and office supplies.  I have always liked office supplies.

By the time college rolled around my vision of my future changed a lot.  With the way music programs were being cut left and right a future as a music teacher wasn't too promising.  Grades were also an obstacle for me and getting into the education program and competing with all the others in the program was just not something I could handle.  But that was okay.  I would find something, I would figure things out.  One thing I learned (as much as I hate a plan not working out, or not even having a plan to begin with) was how to roll with things.  I have always done things the hard way, or gone the long way around.  So while my plan was taking some time to reformulate I pursued a business degree with an English minor.

I graduated.  I met and married a wonderful man.  We moved into a lovely home, and adopted a fur-kid.  So I didn't become a teacher.  I did graduate with a business degree and have used that in my job as a I'm a legal assistant (I'm being sarcastic, mostly).  We don't have kids, but I'm finally at peace with that.  I have an amazing relationship with my husband, which I've gushed about before so won't go on and on about how lucky I know I am.  I feel like the important things I wished for happened.  I may not have followed my plan, but I think I learned to follow my path.  I'm happy, and I believe my life turned out better than what I thought I wanted when I was younger.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #13

Journal Day #13 - State of Me
Prompt:  This week, write a "State of Me" address.  Write about how you're really doing-what you've been thinking, what you've been up to.  What have you accomplished lately?  Where is there room for growth?  Where are you right now in life and where are you headed?  Current joys, current sadness...write it all out.  Discuss the current state of YOU.

I like to think I'm generally a good-natured, nice person.  Lately, I'm not gonna lie, I've been a bit of a grump.  I think I'm a little overwhelmed at work.  There are lots of changes and things looming on the horizon, but there are a lot of unknowns with these changes and that makes planning (something I have to do or I get really grumpy and stressed out) nearly impossible.  I've been feeling very short-tempered and short on patience.

I've also been dealing with some health frustrations that just don't seem to want to cut me a break.  We had to select a new health care provider because our wonderful doctor moved.  It took way to long to get that sorted out, and now that we have it sorted out we have our "meet our new provider" appointments set.  Meanwhile prescriptions are running out (which I know we can get refilled, it's just one more thing that has to be harder than it needs to be to get it done), and I have some concerns about one that I've been taking.  While it's (last I knew) doing the job it was intended for, I believe it may be holding back (or, stopping completely) my weight loss.  All the weight I lost previously has come back, rather quickly, and is not dropping.  I've been walking with David for a few months and eating smarter and I haven't even shed a pound.  Before the meds, I would have lost at least a pound every other week.  It's very disheartening to be overweight and trying to tackle it with little to no success.  So now I have do decide, do I go off the meds and see if that's what was preventing weight loss but lose the benefits of the meds for the reason I'm taking them?  Weight loss and a healthier diet did not help the other problem, hence the meds.  I just feel like I can't win.  I'm always going to have weight problems, I like food to much.  But I was doing so good, and was actually feeling better and now...now, I'm just frustrated with myself, embarrassed, and depressed.

So I'm fat, depressed, and I haven't been writing.  I've tried, but I find I'm just chewing on my pen staring at lined paper wishing I could write more than "all work and no play makes Emily a dull girl."  And, I should confess I haven't even written that.

My happy place, the thing that keeps me going even when I don't want to crawl out of bed int he morning, is my husband.  Even when I'm feeling insecure and really crappy about myself, he is there cheering me on.  No questions, no pushing, no judgment.  He just loves me and gets that I'm going to cry during certain episodes of Doctor Who or Dexter.  I look forward to our weekends together doing things around the house or marathoning something fun on TV.

Something strange has been happening the last few nights, something I feel like I haven't had happen in years and it's happened the last few nights, I wake up and remember my dreams.  They aren't anything noteworthy.  One was riding a whale in a grocery store, and the other was building a tree house and doing the plumbing so my dad wouldn't have to.

I have got to get out of this rut.  I have an amazing husband who needs me to be tuned in for him, we are each others person (Grey's fans will get the reference).  I have sisters, and birthdays and things and I need to be here and engaged for them, because these are all good and positive things I look forward to every year.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #12

Journal Day #12 - Love
Prompt:  Let's talk about love.  Do you believe in the idea of a soul mate?  Do you think there is one person for everyone-and do you think that no matter what, if you're "supposed" to meet that person you will?  This week, talk about your experience with love and discuss what you believe, and also be sure to touch on what helped shape those beliefs.

I do believe in the idea of soul mates.  I am lucky enough to have been found by mine, and even luckier that he married me!  The first time he hugged me there was no doubt he is my one.  David said that was the moment all the cosmic tumblers fell into place.  This part of me that had been missing was found and put where it belonged, I felt at peace and complete.

If I look back I feel like all my choices lead me down the path to meeting David.  With my grades the only college I was able to get into was Western Oregon University.  While at Western I met Fenton, which led me to meeting Cestus.  While being friends with Cestus I was introduced to David.  I talk about some of the journey here.  It was not easy, at the time I had no idea where I was going.  Looking back on all of it, the good and the bad, what I have now shines so bright all that other stuff doesn't matter anymore.  I have my happily ever after.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Taking Stock

This is another post I'm considering a journal prompt even though it's not one of the Journal Day prompts.  It sparked my interest, and since I'm still writing constipated I figured I'd run with it.

Making:  Plans.  I have a friend from my World of Warcraft family that wants to come out and meet us.  I've known her online/thru texts for at least seven years, if not more.  We are working on planning the great meet-up.

Cooking:  Nothing right now, I'm at work on my lunch break.  I'm lucky, my husband does most (usually all) the cooking.  I am more of a cookie or pie baker.

Drinking:  Coffee, luscious brown liquid of life.  Once that's gone I'll switch to water until I get home and can switch to wine.

Reading:  The Ambassador's Mission, by Trudy Canavan.  It's the first book in the sequel trilogy to her Black Magician Trilogy I just finished.

Looking:  Forward to my tattoo being healed.  The swelling is just about all gone, and it's not as sore and no longer has its own heartbeat.  It's entering the about to peel and itch stage.  I'm ready for that to hurry up and come and go.

Playing:  Music, I love using my iPad as a radio at work.  Currently I'm listening to my KNRK playlist (named after a local radio station 94.7 KNRK) because all the songs on the playlist I heard on that station).

Wasting:  Time.  /sigh.  (I don't mean this post is wasting time, I just mean in general I feel like I'm not taking advantage of my time and writing or reading enough.)

Sewing:  Cross-stitching for a secret project.  I need to get back into working on it.  I stopped because I was having some joint pain in my hands.  I have about 3 pieces to finish, I'm so close!

Wishing:  My back felt better.  It's sore, and I'm worried I'm going to wake up one morning and find I can't get out of bed because moving causes so much pain. (I get overly paranoid about specific things, this is one of them)

Enjoying:  Stepping away from TV (much easier now that shows are wrapping up for the summer) and reading with David.  I like the time snuggled up with him while we are feeding our imaginations.

Waiting:  For this work day to be over.

Liking:  My Cute Animals to Look at On a Bad Day Pinterest board.  So much fuzzy cuteness...

Wondering:  What really did come first, the chicken or the egg?

Loving:  My husband.  Always, constantly.

Hoping:  I will sleep well tonight.

Marveling:  At the stupidity of others.  Seriously. /headdesk

Needing:  A recharge with my husband.  Seems like life is a little crazy right now and it's getting tougher to shake the stress residue.

Smelling:  My coffee.  (I hope it's not my coffee breath)

Wearing:  Appropriate work attire, covering all the tattoos.

Following:  Ya Ya Han on Twitter and Instagram.  Cosplay amuses me, and she is amazing!

Noticing:  That it's getting darker outside, I think it's going to start raining any minute.

Feeling:  Tired.  Sore.

Opening:  Client files.  I'm always organizing, it's a constant ongoing process.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Currently

So I'm considering this a journal prompt even though it's not one of the Journal Day ones.  I figure it sparked my interest, and I haven't been writing, so I'm going to go for it and see what happens.

Doing:  Taking a lunch break.  I'm currently at work looking forward to the end of the day when I get to start a nice long weekend with my husband.  The rest of the day will be spent drafting a lawsuit and making some telephone calls.  Hopefully it will go by fast!

Thinking about:  The end of the day.  Seriously.  It is Memorial Day weekend so I get a 3-day weekend.  I'm thinking about all the things I could do over the weekend, like working on a blog post or playing some World of Warcraft.  I will actually probably end up watching movies and doing laundry.

Watching:  I watch a lot of TV, although it's sort of winding down now with summer coming.  This weekend I'm looking forward to watching Orphan Black, the mid-season finale of Mad Men, Turn, Game of Thrones, and Joss Whedon's Much Ado About Nothing (now on Netflix!).

Looking forward to:  Saturday.  David and I have a tattoo appointment Saturday afternoon.  He's is adding/coming closing to completing a piece on his arm.  I will be starting something new on my right wrist.  I'm looking forward to the tattoo, just not the healing time.  It's my dominant hand, so that should make for some slimy shirts for a few days while I have the protective goo on.  It will go fast, and it is going to be totally worth it.  I really can't wait!

Reading:  I am currently re-reading the The High Lord by Trudy Canavan.  It's the last book in her Black Magician Trilogy.  I'm hoping to download and start reading the Traitor Spy Trilogy next, her sequel to the Black Magician Trilogy.  There are a bunch of books I have on my to read list that I just need to get my hands on and read, but I've been wanting to re-read some old friends.  I just finished re-reading the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson, and the Codex Alera series by Jim Butcher.

Loving:  My husband, always.  My kitty, who has been more chatty lately.  The wine we've been enjoying: 14 Hands: Merlot (yes, it's a fucking Merlot, but it makes me happy).  Fleetwood Mac, they are my jam today.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

My Thoughts on Marriage, and Why Ours is Awesome!

I love my husband, and I love the relationship we have.  It is not always perfect, but it is real and most importantly it is ours.  I've had friends tell me our cuteness makes then want to vomit.  Yes.  We are a couple that is that sweet to one another.  No, it is not a show we put on for others-that is just how we are together.  No, we will not stop.  I've had people jokingly tell me I should write about our secret to success.  There is no secret, we are just crazy about one another!  Okay, so maybe there is more than just that.

Relationships are not easy.  We have put a lot of work into what we have today.  I'm not saying it has been hard, it is easy for me to love my husband.  What I'm saying is it has not always been easy.  You can't just expect everything to be perfect all the time.  People have moods, interpret things differently, and do not always communicate well.  I'm not always the most open person, for example, if I get too overwhelmed I shut down.  Despite any obstacles we have encountered we have worked through them together.  We are both fully invested in us and making our marriage work.  Every day it pays off.  I have complete trust in my husband, and I know no matter what he is going to be there for me.  Here are what I think are our keys to success:

Strong Foundation (Trust, Respect)
David and I were friends for over a year before we actually ever met face to face.  It was the kind of friendship where we weren't trying to impress one another, and I feel like we were pretty open and honest with each other from the start.  We knew each other's backgrounds, interests etc.  When we actually met, things proceeded pretty fast.  We were engaged and lived (yes, in sin) together for a year before the wedding.  During this time, all kinds of crazy stuff happened.  I had some family drama going on, we drove (and he moved) from the east coast to the west coast, we house sat in California, we moved to Oregon, I graduated from college, David changed jobs, our nephew was born, we got married, and bought a house (we were waiting to hear we got the house during our honeymoon).  That was just in our first year together.  It was a lot of change for both of us and I think he handled it better than I did, but he was always there for me when I needed him.

Along with sticking through tough things together we make sure we are honest with one another.  From the start, David's one main request was that I be truthful with him even if I didn't think he'd want to hear it.  We don't lie to one another, or keep things (except the occasional fun surprise) from one another.  Knowing that, trust and respect just sort of fall into place and we have this really solid foundation for our relationship.

Relationship Rules (No Bites)
This was another thing we established pretty early on.  Along with the not lying, we also agreed not to call each other names, or be physically violent with one another.  When we have the occasional fall out/argument we refrain from name calling, or any kind of hitting/swatting/angry touching.  I will admit, I can shriek like a howler monkey and sob like a crazy lady, but I don't call my husband names-we stick to those rules.  At the end of a fight, the only regrets we have is that the other was hurt/misunderstood and things escalated.  No hurtful things are said that can't be taken back.

It may seem silly, but it is really important not to hold grudges or let things add up against one another.  I'm not saying we don't get mad at one another, we just don't hold on to things to use against each other later.  We work it out and then let it go.  There is no upper hand in our marriage.  We also don't play the "you got that so I get this" game.  We make sure we have everything we need, and things we want.  It's never a competition.

Talk to Each Other, Be Interested In Each Other (Be a Package Deal)
Seems easy enough, right?  When I say talk to each other I mean talking about EVERYTHING.  We talk about our work day, we talk about silly stuff we saw on the internet, we talk about things we are working/want to be working on.  We giggle together, and are silly together, and drink wine while looking at the ocean together.  We talk, even if it's just for a minute, at lunch time just to say hi.  We text if it is a rough day and need a friendly word.  When he is out of town for work I send him silly pictures, he sends some back.  We are never out of touch, we just are not together as much as we would like to be.  We do not take separate vacations.  We are a package deal.

We take interest in what the other is interested in even if it is not something we are into.  David has gone sewing/stamping shopping with me more times than I can count, and I go wood/workshop shopping with him any time he needs supplies.  If it is important to him, it is important to me.  He does the same thing.

Don't Give Up
When things get tough don't just give up.  You relationship is something you have to nurture-both of you.  If you just give up or ignore things you don't want to deal with they don't go away.  You have to learn to work through disagreements and hard topics like expenses and what to do for date night or you are always going to struggle and the same issues will keep cropping up.  How else will you learn how to be there for one another during the hard times?  If you do not feel comfortable talking about everything with your spouse, how will you survive the things that are really hard to talk about like loss of a job, or a family member?  Those are times when you need someone to hold you and tell you it will get better.  I know without a doubt I have that with David.

How I Look at Marriage
I married David because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  I want to do everything with him by my side, and I want to be by his.  Our marriage is a partnership, where we are both equal contributors to the partnership.  Sure, we have our ups and downs, and misunderstandings and disagreements.  But ultimately we love and respect one another.  David is without a doubt my best friend, and I consider myself to be one very lucky lady to have him as my husband.

Journal Day #11

Journal Day #11 - Room for Improvement

Prompt:  Sometimes it can be hard to hear criticism from others.  I know for me it's something I may always struggle with-being a people pleaser, etc.  At the same time though, constructive criticism can be very helpful, and allow us to look at ourselves in a new light and maybe even grow and change.  Take a step out of yourself.  If you were on the outside looking in, how would you critique yourself?  What things do you see that could change or work on?  This isn't about tearing ourselves down; it's about really looking at ourselves and seeing where there's room for growth.

I would tell myself I need to be more patient.  Especially at work.  I get in such a big hurry, or I get sucked into a project and I am less patient and helpful with people calling in looking for help.  I get so wrapped up in how busy and overwhelmed I am that I am quick to dump people into voice mail.  I used to talk to people, and let them do their initial emotional dump with me before speaking with an attorney.  I need to tap back into some of that compassion, and be willing to give people a minute or two of my time.  When I first started in this field of work, I was told I was too nice.  Now I think I'm leaning towards the other extreme (not that I've been told I'm too mean-at least not yet).

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #10

Journal Day #10 - What Am I Good At?
Prompt:  Quite simply, what are you good at?  All of us have particular strengths - what are yours?  This week, talk about these talents, big or small.  Ideas: discuss how you use these things in your daily life or job, how you discovered a knack for this or that, perhaps even touch on whether or not you are passionate about the things you're good at.

I had to think about this one for awhile.  What am I good at, what are my strengths?  I think it's hard to look at yourself and see those things, especially in a world where we seem to be focused on the flaws.  I like the way Danielle at Sometimes Sweet shared hers in a list so I'm going to do the same:

• I'm loyal.  If you are my close family or close friend (and not completely off your rocker) I have your back.  Chances are even if you are completely off your rocker I'd still have your back.
• I'm a good listener.  I am not a huge fan of talking about myself, but I am great at listening to other people and (hopefully) offering helpful advice.
• I'm reliable.  I may procrastinate, and have some trouble prioritizing, but if something needs to be done I will get it done.  I'm also never late.
• I'm silly.  I try not to take myself too seriously, and I like to be goofy.

I'd like to believe these strengths make me a good person to have around both personally and professionally.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #9

Journal Day 9 - Beauty
Prompt:  How would you say your upbringing or background has shaped your idea of beauty?  Were you taught to apply makeup or do your hair by your mother or friends?  If not, where did you observe what is now your norm as far as beauty practices?  And although most of us have been inundated by different cultural beauty "norms" via the media, would you say that television and magazines have had a strong impact on shaping what you think of as beautiful?  This week, write about your idea of beauty - how your background has shaped it and what that means for you today.

For me, my mom was (is) my idea of beauty.  She has long flowing hair past her waist that she never cut as long as I've been alive.  She never spent time in the bathroom putting on make up.  She was a wash and go type of woman.  She had a glow of love and contentment about her that no amount of makeup could ever give her.  My mom grew up on a farm, and when she grew up she became a nurse.  For her, trying to get all dolled up was sort of a waste of time.  That's not to say she didn't use make up from time to time, she just didn't spend hours in front of the mirror doing it.  Simple.  My dad loves her just the way she is, and always has.

Growing up, since I never really saw her putting on make up or styling her her it wasn't something I had any interest in until I was introduced to it by the kids I went to school with.  It didn't really become a big deal until middle school when kids were actually starting to experiment with it and wear to school.  Of course I wanted to try it and fit in, but that was a big NO from my parents.  By the time high school rolled around, and my parents relented on the make up front, I had no idea what I was doing.  Most of the other kids had been playing around with it with each other, or with their moms.  Being kind of an outcast I didn't get invited to the playing with hair and make up slumber parties until I was older, and then it was more of a subject of torment than fun (well, fun for them and torment for me).  The girls like to make me up to look ridiculous (something I will be blogging about more at some point), rather than to help instruct me on how to do it.  As a result, I didn't wear much make up.  I was terrible at putting it on, I was self-conscious when I did, and my "friends" picked up on that and only teased me about it worse.  It might have been different if YouTube and the internet tutorials had been a thing when I was growing up.  But that wasn't an option.

As an adult (and sometimes I still have to giggle about that word applying to me now) I can apply some make up with out too much of a clown look.  I tried doing it every day, but I hate spending that much time in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror.  I hate having to make sure I have the time in the morning to "make the magic" happen.  I'd rather be snuggled in bed with my husband, or enjoying a cup of coffee and an episode of Doctor Who with my husband.  I'm lucky to be married to a guy who prefers me with out make up.  We are both the wash and go types, and it is wonderful!

Today there are different ideas of beauty every where you look.  We really are bombarded with it in commercials and even the programs we watch.  Yes some of those size zero girls on the TV program are pretty, but my mom is still my idea of beauty.  I think that beauty lies in anyone that is truly happy and content with who they are whether they are covered in tattoos, or make up, or simple wash and go.  For me, beauty has become more than just visual, it's also a mind set.  I think that realization has helped me come to peace with my own self image.

Coffee Break

So I've been a little bit fail with the blogging lately.  I do have some drafts in the queue, I just haven't been able (okay, motivated) to get them worked into shape.  I feel like I'm just sitting and staring at the screen a lot and day dreaming about coffee, or chocolate, or a mocha.  Then I start to wonder if it's too early to start drinking wine yet and then I realize that's problematic because I'm still at work and it would just be a really bad idea to be drinking at work.  Well it would be a brilliant idea, but still a bad one too.

Also, allergies, and sickness is all around this time of year.  I'm currently combating fuzzy head/snot nose and trying like heck to not get the flu that has penetrated the office.

So clearly I need to wake up, avoid the booze (until happy home time), keep healthy and get back into the writing.  I promise I'll have something up here again other than Journal Day prompts (and I just got the next one-yay!) and this silly little post.  If you are still here reading, thanks for sticking around.

Journal Day #8

Journal Day #8 - Religion
Prompt:  Would you consider yourself a religious person?  Quite simply - what do you believe happens when you die?  Have you always believed this?  Do your current beliefs align with what you were taught as a child?  And if not, what was the turning point?  This week, talk about your religion or spiritual beliefs (or perhaps your lack of), and try to sum up, if you can, what you believe happens "next."

I'm not going to lie, I read this prompt and thought "ugh."  Religion is one of those things that I don't like to talk about.  My opinion differs from my family, and religion is just one of those subjects where is is easy to offend.  I wouldn't want to say something that made someone I care about feel bad, so I may be awkward and brief.

Do I consider myself a religious person?  No.

What do I believe happens when I die?  I have no idea.  The idea of heaven and reuniting with loved ones is what I grew up with, but I don't know that I believe that anymore.  The science fiction lover in me would like to believe while we cease to exist in this life, maybe we find ourselves in another life or another plane of existence (I know, crazy talk).  Maybe nothing happens except we just stop being.

Do my current believes align with what I was taught as a child?  No.  Growing up my sisters and I were raised Lutheran and we were very active in the church.

If not, what was the turning point?  I started feeling differently about things when I saw how so many of the people I had trusted abused that trust and justified it with religion.  (I blogged about it here).  It left a bad taste in my mouth and opened my eyes to a side of religious zeal I could not get behind.  Once I saw it, I saw it every where.  And then I saw the judging of others, the people who acted like they were better than everyone, and the people who acted christian but were anything but when they weren't being watched.  I wanted no part of any of that.

It's hard thinking about this and feeling the way I do, if my parents bring it up it causes friction.  They have a hard time understanding where I'm coming from.  My parents still attend the same church, one of my sisters is active in her church family.  Despite my lack of belief, I do appreciate the values I was taught.  And I support my sister wanting that for her kids.  I just don't feel like they need to be forced on people.  I can be thankful for what I have, and the people in my life without out going to church every Sunday.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #7

Journal Day #7 - Social Media
Prompt:  Do you use social media in your daily life?  Do you think it adds to your relationships with others, or takes away from them?  And furthermore, do you think social media adds more positive or negative to your life?  Write about your relationship with social media, and talk a bit about how you got started, and what role it plays in your world.

I have a love/hate relationship with social media.  I love having friends and entertainment right at my fingertips, but I hate how it's almost forced on you if you use the internet.  If you visit a website or a blog you are invited to pin things or follow them/like them on Facebook, sometimes quite persistently.  Even work requires use of social media at times

I was slow to get into social media.  I started with message boards which led to LiveJournal, then MySpace, and Blogger, and then Facebook and Google+.  And then I find myself using Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, Reddit, and Pinterest.  And those are just the ones I have used or am using.  There are so many others out there, and then programs to help you manage them all - I have to throw my hands up in the air and walk away before the crazy consumes me.

My first steps into social media were not entirely by choice.  I wasn't avoiding in on purpose, I just didn't have much interest.  But that had to change when I became the webmaster for a fan club; part of that responsibility was maintaining a message board.  It was my social media gateway.  I had friends who were into other fan club boards, which I was lured into.  A few friends were into LiveJournal and I joined them.  LiveJournal was my first blogging experience, I'm pretty sure I still have the link for it somewhere but it's been years since I posted there.  A few friends talked me into MySpace, which I never really understood.  When people started switching to Facebook I held out for a bit but eventually joined to connect with family and those friends I knew from MySpace.  Then other things just sort of fell in with it, like Instagram (because that is the fun way to see what our tattoo artist is up to), and Pinterest.

It was mostly fun but the message board, for example, was a lot of work.  It was my first introduction to trolls and people who would say anything for attention.  Moderation on a message board is something I never want to do again.  As I got familiar with other social media I saw that there were those types people there too.  Another downside is privacy is harder to maintain.  David and I are pretty private people  I think he is more than I am and I try to be respectful of that.  Being online and connected to all the different social media can put you our there a little more than you may want to be.  Fraud and scammers have really ruined some of the fun.

I have to admit I like having friends and family right at my fingertips, just about any time of day.  Part of my day is visiting my Facebook feed to see what people are up to, and what cute animal pictures Daily Squee has shared.  It's nice to sit and mindlessly play Facebook games (yay CastleVille).  Pinterest is also a great place to find and save recipes, cleaning tips, and cute animals to look at on a bad day.  And blogging, that's where I regain some sanity as I work through all the things going through my mind, and work to find my writing voice.  And lastly I have to be thankful for social media because back in the day when AOL was the place to be, I met and made friends with my husband.  For me, I feel social media is a positive in my life as long as I don't get sucked into all pins and games.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Pablo

Prompt:  In 500 words tell the story of spider and his death. 

Pablo was having really bad luck catching food.  No matter how he built his web, nothing was coming his way.  His instinct told him it was time to move on or starve.  He gently descended downward on a single strand of silk from his spinnerets, cautiously feeling his way with his delicate, hairy legs.  He touched down and with a last look; he severed himself from his home.

He could feel a very slight breeze on his bristles and thought if he followed that he might have luck finding food.  Pablo scurried forward, stopping to feel for vibrations and to make sure he was not straying from the breeze.  When Pablo came up to an edge he carefully felt around to see if he should go over the edge or follow it.  His instinct told him to go down and follow the breeze, so down he crawled.  The space became tight, but he could feel he way through and found himself in a bright area with a nice breeze.  His spider senses were tingling, he hoped this meant he would find a meal soon.  First he had to make a new web.

When Pablo found the perfect spot he set his first anchor and begun the process of building his web.  He took his and used lots of lines, he hoped to catch several meals.  There had been remnants of another web there; he briefly wondered where the other spider was as he was weaving his web.  When he was finished he crawled up to his hub to conserve energy and wait.  He acquainted himself with the feel of the breeze and the tremors of his new web while he waited.

When the vibrations increased he knew there was something in his web.  He cautiously descended from his hub; if he wasn't careful his prey might attack him or knock him from his web.  He approached the place the vibrations were coming from; they were not as strong or urgent as they had been.  Good.  His prey was tiring.  That would make his work easier.  He began wrapping his prey carefully in silk.  Once Pablo was sure his meal was secure and he was safe from harm, he slid his fangs in and injected his meal with a paralytic and digestive fluids.  As he was enjoying his meal he felt new vibrations in his web; his next meal!

Now that he had fed he was less anxious.  He took the time to groom himself while he waited for his prey to tire.  He cleaned his fangs and eyes, and was generally feeling good about his move.  When the vibrations lessened he slowly crept over to investigate.  His prey was good and tired and securely stuck in his web, so he began to systematical wrap his next meal.

Out of nowhere the breeze suddenly picked up, and the light faded.  Pablo was torn between his next meal and getting to safety.  As he was crawling back to his hub he was plucked from his web.  He felt some of his legs break away as he was swallowed by a bird.

Goodbye Pablo.

Thank you for the prompt Lady Loki! 

Journal Day #6

Journal Day #6 - Motivation

Prompt:  Everyone has different things that keep them going.  Sometimes it's the people around us, other times it might be what's waiting for us on the other side of hard work.  Whatever it may be, there's usually some sort of motivation to get up every day, get things done, or maybe even go the extra mile.  With that said, what would you say is your biggest motivation in life?  Has it always been this way?

I have always struggled with motivation.  I'm struggling right now!  Motivation must be a mythical beast, like the unicorn, because I'm not convinced it exists.  Okay so that's not entirely true.  It does exist but some day it is really hard to find even the smallest amount of motivation to get anything done.  You know the kind of day I'm talking about, where you hear the couch and Netflix calling to you.  Sometimes I just have to succumb to the lazy but when I can't, I have my husband's help.

My husband, David, is my motivator.  We do everything together from the fun stuff to the yucky stuff.  It's a lot easier to get stuff done when you can do it with someone you enjoy.  It's still easy to feel overwhelmed and under-motivated and we combat that by making sure we set aside time to recharge our batteries and succumb to the lazy.  We plan little weekend getaways so we have that chance, and then we have something to look forward to.  The weekend getaways with David are a huge motivator for me.  It's incentive for me to get things done, so I can really enjoy the time.  It's also nice to just get away from things and have it be just the two of us.  It's those moments that make all the other stuff worth doing/getting done.

Also, coffee.  Because always coffee.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Choices

My sisters and I were raised Christian.  As we got older this meant something different for each of us.  I had my fill of attending church and dealing with the hypocrisy that seemed to take hold of so many people after I saw how things really were.  When my sisters and I were growing up we were very active in our local church.  We attended Sunday School and church services, we were part of the children's choir and later the adult choir, we were acolytes (lighting the candles at the front of the church and helping with communion), ushers, Sunday school teachers/assistants, attended confirmation classes when we were old enough, and members of the hand-bell choir.  Of course some of those rolls we grew into, but we were always a part of something.

Valerie and I being awesome acolytes

Journal Day #5

Journal Day #5 - Challenges
Prompt:  We all encounter challenges on a daily basis.  You may consider yours something small, like having enough time in the day to accomplish everything you set out to do, or it may be a bit bigger - perhaps something you have to overcome mentally or emotionally, or even a struggle when dealing with a difficult person.  Whatever the case, take a look at your daily life - what would you say is the biggest challenge you deal with?  Or if you have a past struggle you were able to overcome, how did you do it?  This week, write about a challenge you currently deal with on a day to day basis, or discuss one you managed to get past.

Journal Day #4

Journal Day #4 - Unlimited Resources
Prompt:  If you had unlimited resources, what political or social issue, or area of scientific or medical exploration would you fund?  Do you have a cause that is near and dear to your hear that you'd put your time, energy, and money into if you had the means?  Tell us about it, along with a bit of background explaining where you're coming from.

Journal Day #3

Journal Day #3 - Hindsight
Prompt:  They say hindsight is 20/20, and with good reason-looking back at something always give us a better view.  We're often able to really see how our choices and decisions then shaped our today, and examine what we would have done differently given the chance.  When looking back though, we often look way back, but for this exercise stay a little closer to present time and look back just 12 months.  If you could go back just one year, what would you tell yourself?  What advice would you offer about everything you've experienced?

I would tell myself to keep dancing to my own drum.  I try to live my life with no regrets.  When I have to make a decision I try to take the people around me (husband, family, co-workers) into consideration.  How will the choice I make impact them, and me?  Will I be able to live with my choice?  So maybe I end up playing it safe.  I've never been a big risk taker, and I'm okay with that.  I'm happy with my life and where I am today.

I would encourage myself to keep doing those things that are good for me; keep walking with my husband, keep eating better, don't let family contact fade away, and keep writing.  I'd remind myself family is import and, and taking care of myself is too.  No regrets.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #2

Journal Day #2 - Meaningful Song
Prompt:  We all have songs that really mean something to us.  Often just hearing it can take us right back to that place and we are able to re-experience the memory associated with the song.  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but either way music has the ability to really draw things out and evoke deep emotion.  Choose a song that has a particular meaning to you.  Tell the story of the memory associated with the song, sharing as much detail as you can.  Take us there; let us experience it with you.

It's really more of a whole album, Depeche Mode - Violator, but if I had to pick one song from that album it would probably be World In My Eyes.  It makes me think back to the summer between middle school and high school, and hanging out with my friend Josie.  I had always felt like an outcast in school but hanging out with Josie was different, I finally felt like I fit in.  Josie didn't go to school with me, she was home-schooled.  We met when our parents had become friends.  She was so outgoing and friendly, I adored her instantly.

I practically lived at her house (it seemed like) that summer.  I have fond memories of lounging about her comfortable living room listening to the Violator cassette (CD's were just becoming available) over and over while it gently rained outside.  We would sit around and write bad poetry and talk about boys.  I can still see the brown furniture with the knitted afghans thrown over them and the wood coffee table we would usually cover with teen girl magazines and junk food.  We wouldn't turn any lights on, there was natural light coming in from the windows and when that faded there were candles everywhere and a couple laval lamps.  I was happy there.  I have fond memories of those days with Josie and any time I listen to that album today I can close my eyes and be back in her living room.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #1

So I stumbled across this journal day idea and found this blog - Sometimes Sweet.  She posts a prompt every Sunday, posts her story response to the prompt on Thursday, and encourages her readers to share their journal day entry with her on her blog.  It seems so calm and friendly and like a really low-key way of starting to branch out and share with other people.  So in following with my writing goals I'm going to try it.  I'm a few weeks behind so there may be a handful of posts coming but once I'm caught up it will be once a week.  Hey, I need all the help I can get getting my creative juices flowing.  Here goes!

The Journey-Part 4

This part of the journey has been the most difficult to write.  Reliving some of this has not been fun, but as I work through it I've been able to box it up nicely in my mind palace where it need not be disturbed again.  Not a day goes by where I'm not thankful for David, but going back through this and our journey to one another makes me appreciate him that much more.  I don't know anyone else who would have been so patient or kind.  I am one lucky lady.  David, I'm sorry you've been reliving this because of my need to write, but thank you for understanding I needed to do this.  You just get me. *loves*

The journey continues...

The Journey-Part 3

My relationship with Fenton was a lot of work.  I thought that was what a relationship was, something you had to work hard at to make work.  Our relationship was either fun or incredibly draining; there were no quiet lulls.  One minute we'd be thick as thieves going on a quest to find a rare Star Wars action figure, the next we'd be arguing because I was too clingy.  It was a constant cycle.  I suppose I should have seen it as an early warning flag of things to come, but this was my first non-high school relationship and I was not exactly looking at things rationally.

The Journey-Part 2

The next part of the journey takes us to Fenton's sister, Cestus.  My friendship with Cestus was as bumpy as my relationship with Fenton was (see Part 3-coming soon!).  I always felt like I was walking a tight rope and with one misstep I would find myself on the ground and bruised and wondering what had happened.

The Journey-Part 1

The story of David and I is my favorite story.  We had a bit of a journey we had to make before we became us, and some of it is kind of hard to write about.  I didn't like who I was for some of the journey.  But, having said that, surviving what we did makes where we are and what we have today that much better.  This multi-part post is my journey to David.

The Time Math and I Were Friends, Not Foes

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about math...

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I'm sure there is a story behind my math issues, but that is not this story.  This is a story about how for one brief period and time math and I were okay.

Magic Carpet Ride

Growing up my parents owned and operated an herb store.  It was right off the main road through town, and the house I grew up in was on the same property.  It was a part of my world growing up because it was just right there in our front yard.  I saw the store as a place of wonder and adventure, so many different smells and things to look at.  There were shelves upon shelves of jars of herbs.  But there was also so much more. My dad like to mix and grind his own coffee.  At first I hated the sound of the coffee grinder, it was loud and it rattled something fierce, but I came to love the smell of the freshly ground coffee. My parents also sold tea, soaps, shampoos, books, magazines, candy, tobacco and tobacco paraphernalia.  I liked to hang out in the shop with mom, and smell all the things.

Early School Year, What Were They Thinking?

I am old enough that when I was growing up, Kindergarten didn't seem to be mandatory; at least I didn't go so I assume it wasn't required.  In fact, I didn't actually attend public school until third grade.  My parents had made the decision to home school me, so my first two years of school were in the family kitchen.  I remember the dark brown shiny table, and the red plastic chairs with the black paisley-like pattern.  I didn't know any different, public schools weren't part of my world.  Of course I saw school buses and the other kids riding them, and I would see the schools in town as we drove by and kids playing on the playground.  I wanted that.  I wanted to ride the yellow bus to school, I wanted to play with other kids.  I didn't understand why they got to go to school together, but I had to stay home.

First grade me

That Time I was Invited to Join Swim Team...

I was reflecting on some things that had happened over a weekend and found myself remembering the time I was invited to join the local swim team.  Sounds weird but trust me, they are related.

For those of you who know me, you know I am horrible at making decisions.  For those of you who don't know me, trust me.  I know it's not an uncommon issue among human kind, but I'm REALLY bad about it.  I shut down and am even more frustrating to talk to than normal.  I was trying to figure out if I've always been that way, or if there was an event in my life that made me this way.  Short answer, I think I've always been this way.  As I grew up things I was told by the people around me became things I 'learned' and helped contribute to the indecisive, anxious, insecure person I am today.  Enter swim team memory.