Journal Day #13 - State of Me
Prompt: This week, write a "State of Me" address. Write about how you're really doing-what you've been thinking, what you've been up to. What have you accomplished lately? Where is there room for growth? Where are you right now in life and where are you headed? Current joys, current sadness...write it all out. Discuss the current state of YOU.
I like to think I'm generally a good-natured, nice person. Lately, I'm not gonna lie, I've been a bit of a grump. I think I'm a little overwhelmed at work. There are lots of changes and things looming on the horizon, but there are a lot of unknowns with these changes and that makes planning (something I have to do or I get really grumpy and stressed out) nearly impossible. I've been feeling very short-tempered and short on patience.
I've also been dealing with some health frustrations that just don't seem to want to cut me a break. We had to select a new health care provider because our wonderful doctor moved. It took way to long to get that sorted out, and now that we have it sorted out we have our "meet our new provider" appointments set. Meanwhile prescriptions are running out (which I know we can get refilled, it's just one more thing that has to be harder than it needs to be to get it done), and I have some concerns about one that I've been taking. While it's (last I knew) doing the job it was intended for, I believe it may be holding back (or, stopping completely) my weight loss. All the weight I lost previously has come back, rather quickly, and is not dropping. I've been walking with David for a few months and eating smarter and I haven't even shed a pound. Before the meds, I would have lost at least a pound every other week. It's very disheartening to be overweight and trying to tackle it with little to no success. So now I have do decide, do I go off the meds and see if that's what was preventing weight loss but lose the benefits of the meds for the reason I'm taking them? Weight loss and a healthier diet did not help the other problem, hence the meds. I just feel like I can't win. I'm always going to have weight problems, I like food to much. But I was doing so good, and was actually feeling better and now...now, I'm just frustrated with myself, embarrassed, and depressed.
So I'm fat, depressed, and I haven't been writing. I've tried, but I find I'm just chewing on my pen staring at lined paper wishing I could write more than "all work and no play makes Emily a dull girl." And, I should confess I haven't even written that.
My happy place, the thing that keeps me going even when I don't want to crawl out of bed int he morning, is my husband. Even when I'm feeling insecure and really crappy about myself, he is there cheering me on. No questions, no pushing, no judgment. He just loves me and gets that I'm going to cry during certain episodes of Doctor Who or Dexter. I look forward to our weekends together doing things around the house or marathoning something fun on TV.
Something strange has been happening the last few nights, something I feel like I haven't had happen in years and it's happened the last few nights, I wake up and remember my dreams. They aren't anything noteworthy. One was riding a whale in a grocery store, and the other was building a tree house and doing the plumbing so my dad wouldn't have to.
I have got to get out of this rut. I have an amazing husband who needs me to be tuned in for him, we are each others person (Grey's fans will get the reference). I have sisters, and birthdays and things and I need to be here and engaged for them, because these are all good and positive things I look forward to every year.
Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!