Hello?

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. I got busy, then I wasn't but I didn't have anything to say, and now I'm busy again but life is so weird now. Sometimes I don't know quite how to process everything that's going on, and how much things have changed. I feel kind of bad that I didn't start blogging about things at the start, but I also was busy still getting into my new job and was having a hard time processing everything going on.

While watching A Late Show with Stephen Colbert, I learned about something called The Isolation Journals. I really like writing prompts and this site seems to have some pretty thought provoking ones. I thought maybe I'd give it a try, and use this blog to house them. Maybe it will help me get back into blogging and I'll get you all caught up with what I've been doing with myself. Or maybe it really doesn't matter and we'll just figure things out together moving forward. I hope anyone reading this is well, and staying sane!

More on the Great Move

This update is a little late in coming and long overdue, but I promise it is all good news.

First of all, the cat seems to be mostly her old cranky self and is quite settled in at the new home. The new environment seems to have had an impact on her purring and meowing. Her purrs are much louder now, and she is much more chatty. Her meows are so loud they are startling at times. I'm not complaining, I love hearing her purr. I am a crazy cat lady, so I'm thrilled she meows at me when I talk to her. She is fueling my crazy now.

Second, we are officially free of the old home. After a seriously frustrating process, where we found ourselves wondering repeatedly who exactly our realtor was working for, the sale on the old home closed and we were able to close the door on our old home town. I won't lie, part of me was sad to let go because of all the memories and things associated with that home. But now that there has been some time away, and we are settling into our new routines I find I am looking forward to making new memories for our now home to hold. 

Third, David's new workshop space is now ready for him to move in to and set up. We had to replace the flooring (carpet floor for wood working is not a good idea), and were finally able to do so. Now he as the daunting task of setting up and unpacking, but it is going to be amazing when it's all done. I can't wait for him to be able to start working on some of the projects he's been waiting to do.

Fourth, we are mostly unpacked! There are still some boxes, like David's workshop is all still in boxes and I have some knick-knacks, photos, and candles I haven't unpacked. But all the important home stuff is officially unpacked. 

Now we get to really enjoy our new home and our new town. We have had some people over and David has cooked some amazing food. We have also found some great places to dine, including a McMenamins really close and a really tasty Thai place. There is a book store not even 4 minutes from our house which we have yet to set foot in because that's just inviting trouble. The only problem is there is a disturbing lack of easy to access Starbucks for us in the mornings. There is one, but the volume of people is so much higher here that the wait time is longer and it is just less convenient to swing by in the morning for a cup of I'm too lazy to brew at home. I hold on to the dream that they are still taking over and there is going to be one opening up on a closer corner any day now.

Taking Stock.

I have been really bad about blogging. I wish I could say it was all because we have been so busy doing amazing things-which is partially true. The sad reality is, after work the last thing I've wanted to do is come home and do anything on my computer, after spending all day reading/typing/relying on my work computer. I'll try to work my way back and share some stories about female impersonators, and amazing food (not related to each other in any way). For now, her I am taking stock.

Making:  It from day to day. Work is pretty draining. I'm sure I'll blog about it soon.

Cooking:  I haven't done any cooking, but in our new kitchen David has made some very amazing meals. He made some Irish Soda Bread and a Beef and Barely Stew that were amazing.

Drinking:  My lunch. I'm sipping on a Creamy Tomato Campbell's soup on the go cup.

Reading:  I've been doing a bunch of reading, and I think I've given up about blogging what I'm behind on. I just finished reading Brandon Sanderson's Warbreaker. Of course it's book one of more than one. Still trying to decide what to read next. I'd like to read the Dexter books, but there is also a new Lisbeth Salander book that I'd like to read as well. We'll see.

Looking:  At the clock wishing my lunch wouldn't go by so fast.

Playing:  Nothing. :(

Wasting:  Time being worn out.

Sewing:  Nothing right now. But I would like to get started on a project-if I could figure out what I want to do.

Wishing:  I could be more laid back about things. I don't deal well with lots of things coming at me, and it's wiping me out.

Enjoying:  The new house with my wonderful husband.

Waiting:  To have people over for a house warming because I'm just not ready to deal with that.

Liking:  Booze. Seriously, best part of being an adult.

Wondering:  When I'm going to feel like "I get it."

Loving:  My husband, always, and my Sisters.

Hoping:  That I'll get this job thing figured out.

Marveling:  At how tired I am even after all the sleep I got this weekend.

Needing:  To go home.

Smelling:  My soup.

Wearing:  Work clothes :(

Following:  Texts with my husband.

Noticing:  That my answers are getting shorter and my brain is telling me it wants to be done thinking.

Feeling:  Exhausted.

Opening:  Some crackers to go with my soup.

The Great Move

I know it's been awhile, but we've been dealing with the insanity that is moving. Thankfully, we are all moved in to the new place-including having a fair number of boxes unpacked. It actually feels like home! We've also been dealing with getting the old house officially done, and on the market-which happened and now we are going through the selling process (a whole other blog post). It feels like we've been constantly doing doing doing, and haven't had a chance to catch our breath and enjoy our new location. While that's mostly true, it isn't entirely. But let me tell you about the move first.

We were able to schedule things when we had a three day weekend. David took the whole week off to deal with packing and scheduling of various services (and cancelling various services). We had done a fair amount of the packing before the guys came to pack us up. The day of the move, we loaded up my car with all it could hold-including the precious cargo that is our cat. The weeks leading up to the move were pretty stressful for her. Things kept disappearing, there were boxes everywhere. She knew something was up and she was not happy. That morning, as we stuffed her into her kitty carrier and put her in the car she let us know what was happening was not acceptable, under any terms. I left with the cat before the movers got there. I stopped quickly for gas and then hit the road. Just as I was heading down the ramp to merge onto I-5 David called me. He was hoping I was still getting gas because in my haste to get on the road I had forgotten to pack her food and water bowls. It was too late, I was going to have to figure something else out. She meowed the first 5-10 minutes but then stopped and resorted to hanging out in the far back corner of her carrier and glaring at me with all her might.

The drive was uneventful and we made it to the new place in good time. I was able to pull into the garage so I could unload what I brought up-starting with anger bag of course. I took her up to the second floor and set her carrier in a spot I knew she would keep cool (it was a really hot day). I left her in the carrier while she settled down, and so I could unload without worrying where she may have run off to, and so she wouldn't get out of the new home. The unloading went quick, and once I knew I was going to be there for a bit (still had to figure out food and water bowls) I opened the door to her carrier so she could come out on her own terms. I texted a few people who lived nearby to see if anyone could hook me up with some bowls for the cat. My friend Angela was able to help me out, and would head over and be the cat's hero for the day. Meanwhile, the cat is still in the back corner of her carrier and freaked out. Since I was about to add more stress to the mix, I decided to take her up and put her in our bedroom-she was going to be put in our bathroom when the movers arrived so it seemed like a good idea. I carried her potty and a blanket up and put them in the bathroom. I closed the bedroom door so she couldn't explore too much and opened her carrier door once again. She came right out, let out a huge meow and promptly went into our closet where she stood and meowed for five minutes. I went over and picked her up, she let me carry her around the third floor while I took her into each room and had her sniff things. After that, I put her in the bathroom and closed the door, since Angela would arrive soon. We'd be able to come up with food and water for her and hopefully she would be set while the moving insanity took place.

Angela arrived and saved the day. I got to give Angela a quick tour, and then we took food and water up for Riley. When I opened the bathroom door, there was no cat to be seen, and her blanket it had moved from one corner to in front of her potty. I gently touched the blanket and it made a little "mew" sound. I lifted up a corner and there was my terrified kitty, who in turn tried to burrow back under the blanket. I carefully moved the blanket back, and she scuttled back under it. I put down her food and water and tried to talk soothingly to her. Angela and I let her alone because she was clearly not interested in any comfort from us, and there were still things to be done.

Scared kitty

I had to move my car out of the garage, because we were going to be unloading the moving truck into the garage and then moving things into the house. I was able to find a parking spot and as I was getting out I had a missed calls from David. I called him back, they were on their way, could I stop at the bank for more tip money (we had last minute added a second moving truck because all our stuff wouldn't fit in one, we were going to have to schedule another day or figure something else out but then at the last minute a second truck freed up and we took advantage of it), and some lunch. I was unsure of the area, and a little nervous about losing the parking spot so Angela drove me around (thankfully it was all pretty close) and we got the quick errands done. When we pulled in David was there waiting for the first truck to arrive. The crazy was really about to begin.

Did I mention we did this on one of the first hottest days of the summer? The next many many hours were spent with David trying to direct the movers where to put things. Then, the poor lads, had to run up and down the stairs with objects varying in weight. Of course a big chunk of the really heavy stuff was going up to the third floor. These guys hustled up and down those stairs. The once empty new house became a maze of boxes-daunting to look at let alone thinking about where to start with the unpacking. It took a few hours to unload the first truck, then the second truck backed in and it took a few hours to unload that one. At the end of the day, everything we were moving to the new house was there-including some things we thought we'd have to move ourselves. And we didn't have to haul the heavy items up and down the stairs ourselves. Best. Money. Spent. Ever.

Everyone left, and we found ourselves finally in our new home completely overwhelmed with where to start. Then Angela saved the day (again) by suggesting we meet up for dinner. We got cleaned up and met her, her hubby and daughter at The Cedar Hills McMenamins and had a fantastic dinner! It was the perfect way to spend our first evening in our now town and our new home.

A much happier kitty

Currently.

Doing:  Lunch break at work-trying to find my motivation/sanity.

Thinking about:  The weekend. I know I'm always thinking about the weekend, but weekends right now are a big deal. Last weekend we moved, now we get to learn our area and set up our new home. We also have to take care of the old home and getting it on the market. Yeah, lots going on!

Watching:  So You Think You Can Dance. We are also re-watching The Sopranos because some times you just need to go there.

Looking forward to:  The time when we are all unpacked and settled in at the new home, and the old home is sold.

Reading:  I have read so many books that I need to blog about.  I'm currently re-reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

Loving:  My husband.

Sorry I haven't been bloggy lately. I will get back into posting and sharing, just have been way to busy and tired. Just know we are still around, we are well, and life is insane as always!

Yup. My Monkeys, My Circus!

I've been meaning to blog an update about all the crazy things going on but every time I start something else comes up, or the last thing I want to do is sit at a computer and type.  This means I'm really behind on book reviews and general sharing of things with those of you who take the time to come here and check.  It will get better, or I will go insane.

As some of you may already know I started a new job last week.  For those of you who didn't know, after working at my previous job for 6 years I decided (with love and support from David) that it was time for a change.  We decided it was time for a whole boatload of changes actually.  We talked about it for a while; I was having a  hard time imagining things different.  I don't deal the best with big changes.  But after realizing I was unhappy and bored at my current employment and seeing how it was affecting me (and David) I realized it was time to listen to him and be willing to make some changes.  I spent some time getting things organized, and wrote a guide for my prior job.  Then, with some amazing help, I created a resume and cover letter and began the process of applying for a new job.  A few days after sending out a handful of applications I got a call that resulted in an interview a few days later, which resulted in a job offer a few hours later, which I accepted the following morning after discussing it with David.  Accepting this job meant some really big changes.  I put in my notice, and two weeks later I started my new job.

The new job also meant relocating.  While I was making a job change, it seemed like a location change was a good idea as well.  We've been wanting to move out of the town we were in and get closer to family and friends, better shopping, and more activities.  So after I gave notice, we started the incredibly stressful process of house hunting.  Let me tell you, the job interview was easy compared to house hunting.  We would find a place we wanted to see, and even before we would have a chance it would be off the market-sometimes only hours after being listed.  Hopefully we'll be so lucky when it comes to selling our current home.  After lots of frustration about missing out on what looked like some really cute places, and seeing some not so great places, we found a place in an area we wanted to be in.  David did a guest post about this here.  It's really perfect for us-and I'm still afraid to call it ours until we have closed and we have keys in hand.  The process of buying a home has to be one of the seven levels of hell-shared with buying a car and selling a house.

So, here we are.  We are in the process of buying the new place, which David has been taking care of and I couldn't be more thankful because it has been crazy.  I'm commuting back and forth to my new job- I'm not complaining, I'm lucky to have found a job so quick and it's easy to get to and from (from current home and future home) so it's not a big deal for a longer drive short term.  Gives me time to sing, unwind, and think about all the fun places we will be able to go after we have moved.  It's still going to be a crazy couple of months (hopefully we will be able to sell the soon to be former home quickly), but I know we are making the right choice for us.  As long as we stick together and support each other (one of the things we are best at) we are going to come though this just fine.

Changes, They Really Are Coming!

It's been awhile since I've posted anything that isn't a cryptic Taking Stock, a book review or even a music recommendation.  That's because there were some things being discussed and some decisions being made, and it was better to get things set into motion before making them public knowledge. Things have started moving forward and now I feel like it's okay to share what's going on.

The short version, we are moving.

The longer version, seriously, we are moving!  For those of you who know me this probably comes as a big surprise.  Me, changing something?  Yup!  This has been a long time coming.  While there are things we like about the area we are living in now, there are lots of things we don't like.  Lately, the things we don't like column has been growing.  Realizing that, and seeing that it didn't look like that was going to change meant it was time for us to make a change.  It wasn't an easy decision.  I do not do well with change, and it's because of me that we've remained here as long as we have.  But even I could see we needed to do this.

The decision was made, then there was a process to follow.  For practical reasons, I would need to find a new job and have that lined up before we even looked for a new place.  Having a job lined up would be security moving forward, and it would also give us a starting area to hunt for a new place to hang our (viking) hats.  We would also begin getting our current house ready to put up on the market.

Well, the new job has been obtained.  That was a crazy experience I am sure I will blog about at another time.  It happened a little faster than I think either of us anticipated, but it worked out.  I'll be commuting for a while while we start looking for a place now.  That's going to take some time, but one thing I've learned about my husband is he knows a lot of stuff, including how to do all this.  Moving is going to be daunting, the whole process of hunting and getting our home ready to sell.  There is also the whole having to go through and get rid of 15 years worth of stuff.  I have a tendency to hold on to stuff, and I'm going to have to let some of that go.  It will be good for us to downsize some.  The cat is going to have to learn to live her life a little bit closer to us.  It's going to be nice to be closer to family, friends, food (as in better grocery shopping), restaurants (as in not just crappy chain restaurants), and other things that are important to use.

I know this hasn't been easy on David.  I've been freaking out at pretty epic levels.  He has been incredibly patient and kind.  He is my rock.  I need to pull my crap together and make sure I'm his rock too.  There is a lot of pressure on him as things continue to move forward, and I appreciate everything he is doing/stressing about/planning/scheduling to make this happen.  I know once everything is done, and we are relaxing in our new place, eating some amazing food because we will have such a better grocery shopping selection, it will all have been worth it.  More to come as things progress!

Taking Stock.

Making:  Plans.

Cooking:  I made tacos a few nights ago, but other than that it's all been the magic of David.  Have I mentioned how much I love his cooking?

Drinking:  Coffee in the mornings, always.  David recreated these lovely cucumber gimlets we had at Tidal Raves when we were at the coast last, and we've been enjoying those.  They are a great warmer weather drink.  (Recipe here)

Reading:  I finally started The Strain by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan.  This is the first book in the trilogy.  I don't know why, because I always complain when I read a book and watch the TV show it is based upon.

Looking:  Forward to the weekend, as always.  I'm also looking forward to the road ahead, while it's going to be a bit stressful I think we are making some changes for the better.

Playing: Not much of anything, I've been a bit stressed.

Wasting:  Energy on things that don't deserve it-but I am working on that.

Sewing:  Nothing right now.  I really need to talk to my mom about the fall leaf pattern I want to turn into quilt squares.

Wishing:  Change wasn't so hard, of that I dealt with it better.

Enjoying:  The comfort my relationship with my husband gives me.  No matter what, we approach things as a team.  I know he has my back, just like he knows I have his.

Waiting:  To see how the pieces come together

Liking:  Booze.  Seriously, best part of being an adult.

Wondering:  When the pieces will come together.

Loving:  My husband, always, and my Sisters.

Hoping:  UNSURE

Marveling:  At the sounds of nature outside.  The weather has been warmer, not warm enough for air conditioning, but warm enough to have the windows open.  At night I love listening to the frogs as I fall asleep.  I wish the birds didn't get up so early in the morning, but I still love them too.

Needing:  To remember to inhale and exhale.

Smelling:  The heavenly aroma of dinner-chicken with hints of lemon and rosemary, and potatoes

Wearing:  Pajamas-because I'm done with pants.  I am home and the work day is over and I'm not leaving the couch.

Following:  Some texts with family and friends.

Noticing:  That while I'm still stressed and anxious, I'm feeling a little better about some things.  So I have hope that everything else is going to work out-I know it's not going to be that easy.  But I do have an excellent partner and with him I know we can make it.

Feeling:  Optimistic.

Opening:  A new chapter in our life.  It's time.  This is a good thing-even though right now it's a crazy stressful thing.

Thankful

I am always thankful for my husband and the relationship we have.  He makes me feel loved and appreciated, and I do my best to make him feel the same.  Sometimes I fall short, and then I get a reminder about how lucky I am and I can't help but want to smoother him with my joy and relief that we have what we have together.

Today is one of those days.  Everything about being an adult is hard.  I'm not saying I want to be a kid again, because that had a whole other set of problems I don't miss.  And to be honest, I really like wine and booze.  David makes the best drinks, he's been making us some really lovely cucumber gimlets-to die for.  I digress.  Being an adult is hard.  Sharing every aspect of your life with another person can be hard.  But if you find the right person, it's not as hard, and it's worth the work.  Yes, there is work involved.  No one has the perfect relationship; no one is perfect.  I think it comes down to talking, listening, and not keeping secrets.  I know I can tell David anything, and I mean anything.  And he knows he can do the same.  We don't lie to each other and we don't keep secrets.

I'm not perfect, I freak out sometimes about really dumb stuff.  I get mad at irrational things.  Just because I get a little insane, irrational, and mad doesn't mean I ever stop loving David.  We are different people, we react to things differently.  It's the respect, and the love we have for one another that is our foundation.  We know how to talk through things.  We know how to give each other space and then listen when we come back together and work things out.  I should apologize more.  I should listen better.  I'm not perfect but I know David loves me and will be there for me.

I am so thankful for this relationship.  I know we can get through anything because we have each other.  Thank you David for being my partner in all things.  I'll stop there before I get too mushy.

Distracted

That's pretty much how I've been feeling lately.  Lately I feel like my mind has been all over the place and I might be going a little insane.  I try to sit down to do something and I get restless and think about something else I should be doing.  That's why there hasn't been much posting lately.  I am very behind on some book posts and I'm trying to remedy that.  I'm also hoping to get back into writing non-book related posts as well.  My hope is that getting some of the crazy things on my mind done (like going through my piles of stuff) will help me be able to sit down and focus a little better.

Every couple of years or so we try to purge junk in our home.  We've been in the house for almost 15 years, there are a lot of places to tuck stuff.  Trust me, I am excellent and tucking things away.  I just found a box of wedding invitations that I thought I had tossed or lost 14 years ago.  I'm also a scrapbook/stamper and I have a lot of paper and paper scraps lying around.  I tried to get rid of some of the scraps last night but I keep thinking "I could use that for something."  And that, I believe, is how a hoarder is born.  Just thinking that makes me want to go and throw everything away.  I try not to be wasteful, but I also try not to be a crazy keeper of things.  Clearly it's time for me to purge, I just need to focus and run with it.

Or maybe something like the above will happen.  Clearly with me it can go either way.  I'll keep you posted on the great purge (or wine dancing).  Thanks for listening to me!

Currently.

Doing:  Fighting off a headache.  Fretting.  I can't seem to shut my mind off at night so I have't been sleeping well.  I blame the headache on that.

Thinking about:  The weekend.  The husband and I have a getaway planned, a much needed one.  I'm hoping I can let go and just relax with him and not worry about the things I have no control over.  Clutter, I'm thinking about that too and how I need to work on that.  I'm thinking about how far behind I am in posting about the book I've read.  Also, I'm wishing I had flat-ironed my hair this morning.

Watching:  The last episodes of Mad Men just started to air last Sunday, so we were all over that.  We've also been watching the second season of Broadchurch (BBC-not US), and I'm enjoying it.  Game of Thrones, Deadliest Catch and I think Orphan Black all start soon, so I'm looking forward to those returning!  Lots to watch, feels like there just isn't enough time some nights.

Looking forward to:  Time with my husband where it's just the two of us.

Reading:  I just read Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson, I'm on the second book in the series now, Firefight.  Reviews to come... someday.

Loving:  My husband.

Revisiting My 2015 Goals (Again)

I felt like it was a good time to revisit my 2015 goals (again).  I also feel like, as this year is progressing, I should add some new goals or perhaps modify some of the existing ones.  Here goes.

• Blog More.  I'm still feeling good about this.  I'd like to be more consistent, but I'm also going to be happy with what I've been doing so far.  I'd still like to do more than book reviews, so I'll be trying to work on that more as this year unfolds.
• Gym.  So... that's been pretty much an epic fail.  I really do need to be taking better care of myself-this is not just getting exercise and eating better.  We have been cooking more (David made this fantastic roast chicken last Sunday and a pork roast I just don't have the words for a few nights ago) which makes me feel better about what we are eating.  I also feel like I need to be taking better care of my skin.  So, I'm going to change this gym goal to a general health and wellbeing goal.  
• Quality time with my husband.  We've been enjoying some really lovely home cooked dinners, and quality time.  We have a getaway coming up that I'm really looking forward to.  It's nice to be able to go to a place where we both are able to relax and have some really good one on one time.
• Quilt with my mom.  This is still something I need to work on.  I need to be better at reaching out to my parents period.  I don't know why this is so hard for me, or why I have such a wall.  But I really do want to do projects with my mom and get to know her better now.
• Embroidery/Cross-Stitching.  This actually kind of goes with the above.  Also, I need to feel less restless.  

I want to do more of this

• Hang out with my sisters more.  We actually just had a really lovely sister weekend!  I meant to blog about it (and still may, ha ha!) but we ended up not taking may pictures.  We just hung out in the room and giggled and enjoyed each others company.  The weekend went to fast.  We need to plan some more sister time!
• Play games/watch games with friends.  Still working on this, but do have something in the works.  
• Read More.  I think I'm doing well with this goal, and have been reading some great stuff!
• Correspond more.  Still need to work on this.
• Find my music.  I've been making some progress with this, I actually should be blogging about some of that.  Coming soon I guess!

So I already modified the gym goal.  I want to add a few more.

• De-clutter.  I need to make time and go through my stuff.  I have a lot of stuff I should just get rid of.  It's taking space and in a way it's holding me back and weighing me down.  I have to work on letting go.
• Focus.  I have goals, now I need to focus and work on meeting those goals or making them happen.  I get overwhelmed and freaked out and I need to remind myself to step back, focus on one thing and see it through.  I can do this.

I. Can. Do. This.

Happy in My Own Skin

I knew before I even started down the path, that having tattoos I was going to get all kinds of responses to them.  The people around me, or who had to look at me every day, are nothing but supportive.  I put thought into any tattoo before I get it done, it is going to be with me forever.  I also made sure whatever I have done I can cover with a sweater-because you know, work.  As a result, I haven't really received any negative feedback.  I tend to run cold, so I wear sweaters more often than not, so tattoos and work have not been an issue.  The only people close to me that were not thrilled were my parents.  I expected that reaction from them.  But, they love me and want me to be happy and have mostly come around.

Yesterday was a different experience.  While buying some important items at Bi-Mart (peanuts for our murder of crows) a lady came up to me and said something like "Aren't you going to feel bad ruining your friends and families pictures with you tattoos?"  I guess maybe I was asking for it somewhat, I wasn't wearing my sweater.  It was a really nice day and I was too warm with it on.  At any rate, I was really surprised by the comment.  If it had been "sharkweek" I probably would have been more bitchy in my response, but I kept my cool.  I said something like "Not that it's any of your business, but I surround myself with supportive people who just want me to by happy and don't care what I look like."  I walked away before she could say anything else, or before I could.

Why do people feel like they can say things like that?  What about me said "Hey, ask me a potentially hurtful question?"  I understand that it's just part of the choice I made.  People are either really accepting, or really judgmental.  Thankfully I've been pretty lucky in my encounters, and really I am surrounded by a great group of family and friends.  I am more happy in my skin than I have ever been-which says a lot since I've always been a shy chunky girl.  I love the art that is now a part of me, and I love finally feeling happy in my own skin.

Yup, its me.  That lovely bird is just under a week old!

Taking Stock

Making:  Nothing.

Cooking:  I haven't really done much cooking lately.  I've been uninspired in the kitchen.  I am kind of craving tacos.  May have to fix that at some point this week (or next).

Drinking:  Coffee, hopefully followed by wine (after work that is)

Reading:  Old Man's War but John Scalzi.  I've been enjoying reading, and I've been reading a lot.  I have some blog posts I need to finish and share but it's so hard to put down the book sometimes!

Looking:  Forward to the weekend.  I either want to go through some of my junk, or just have some quality down time with my sweetie.

Playing: World of Warcraft, although not as much.  Letting a tattoo heal, and am enjoying staring blankly at the TV after work.  (It requires less thought)  Can't seem to get into running around and doing stuff, but maybe that will change as my arm is starting to feel less funny.

Wasting:  Time.

Sewing:  Nothing right now.  I really need to talk to my mom about the fall leaf pattern I want to turn into quilt squares.

Wishing:  It was the weekend.  For some reason, work has just been work.  Overwhelming and frustrating.

Enjoying:  The cooler weather, and the fact that it's green and lovely outside.

Waiting:  For this week to be over.  I know, it's only Thursday, but it's been kind of a wonky week that I could do without.

Liking:  The Chef Soundtrack.  I have been wanting it and finally caved yesterday and bought it.  I do not regret it one bit!

Wondering:  When this year is going to get better-it's been kind of a downer.

Loving:  My husband, always, and my Sisters.

Hoping:  That this year will get better.

Marveling:  That I'm suffering from allergies.  It's all green and blooming here, while meanwhile in the mid-west/east coast people are buried in snow.  I feel bad complaining but I have concerns what the real allergy season is going to be like!

Needing:  More time with my husband.  It's time to plan another weekend getaway, but I'll take cuddle movie time and be just as happy!

Smelling:  Coffee, my mug is close at hand and the coffee is still hot and fresh.

Wearing:  Not the PJ's I wish I was still in.  I'm in appropriate adult work attire. /sigh

Following:  Work email-always so much going on and I'm having trouble staying current (I blame allergies)

Noticing:  That I've been REALLY (really) grumpy lately.  I don't know if I'm just feeling not myself, or what.  But yeah, I've been a grump.

Feeling:  Sleepy and hungry.  I could also go for some chocolate or a nice scone with my coffee.

Opening:  The office, time to end this and get ready to start the work day.

Revisiting My 2015 Goals

It's almost the end of February and I thought I'd check in with my 2015 goals and see if I was actually accomplishing them, or trying to do the things I want to do.

• Blog More.  I feel like this is happening, even if it is just book reviews right now.  I'll try to work on some non-book related posts in the future.
• Gym.  Yeah, lets not talk about that one right now.
• Quality time with my husband.  We had a lovely get away, and are planning more.
• Quilt with my mom.  Having been sick most of January and part of February I haven't been real eager to get together with people and make them sick.  This will happen.
• Embroidery.  Nothing yet, but I still want to do this.
• Hang out with my sisters more.  Working on that one-that would be a good blog post!
• Play games/watch games with friends.  Need to work on this too-but not being sick is a step in the right direction.
• Read more.  I have actually been reading a lot.  I have finished a few trilogies now, need to finish blogging about the last one.  I'm already on to a new book.  
• Correspond more.  I would like to be doing better with this one, I need to make time for that.
• Find my music.  Also need to work on this more.

So I still have some things to work on, but I do feel pretty good about the things I have been able to accomplish.  It's still early, there is still time.  Hopefully David and I are done being sick, and we can start doing some fun stuff!   

Currently

Doing:  Fretting about things I can't control.  So many stupid things in my head, including being frustrated that I've been sick for what feels like the last two months.

Thinking about:  Some fun things that happen this month (assuming I'm not a succubus of the plague).

Watching:  I feel so lost.  I just said good by to two shows I loved very much-The Newsroom and very recently Parenthood.  I distracted myself this weekend by watching all of Downton Abbey, Season 5, which was wonderful!  But now that's done until next season.  Thankfully The Walking Dead comes back this Sunday, and Better Call Saul debuts then as well.  Grey's Anatomy is also back so I have that to look forward to (and catch up on).  Some other guilty pleasures include Moonshiners (they crack me up) and Big Giant Swords (because there are not enough of those).

Looking forward to:  Some time at the beach, and not being sick anymore.  There are things we want to do, and not being sick is kind of important.

Reading:  I'm finishing up the last book (well, the last one that is currently out) in the Expanse Series by James S. A. Corey.  I'm trying to blog about it too, so if you are a follower you already knew this!

Loving:  My husband, my family, and the flat whites from Starbucks.  And peanut butter.

Taking Stock

Making:  Nothing.  I hope to remedy that, I enjoy sewing when I'm watching TV.  I would like to start making quilt squares.

Cooking:  I made some baked chicken over the weekend, will probably have leftover that tonight.

Drinking:  Coffee.  Followed by water.  I'm going beverage crazy!

Reading:  The Expanse series by James S.A. Corey.  I'm on the second book, Caliban's War.  I need to blog about Leviathan Wakes, the first book in the series.

Looking:  Forward to next month, we have some fun things planned!

Playing:  World of Warcraft (not right now, but some in the evenings and weekends).  I have a cute little panda hunter really close to level 100.

Wasting:  Time.

Sewing:  Nothing right now.  I really need to talk to my mom about the fall leaf pattern I want to turn into quilt squares.

Wishing:  I was at the beach.  I could use some nice ocean air.

Enjoying:  The cooler weather and the crazy rain we had the last few days.

Waiting:  To wake up, I'm groggy.

Liking:  The cooler weather.  I really hate hot days and nights.

Wondering:  What's coming next in the book I'm reading.

Loving:  My husband, always.  My sisters sisters, I miss them when there are gaps in our sister chats,

Hoping:  That this year will be kinder than last year ended up being.  Last year kind of left me feeling a little bruised.

Marveling:  That it's sunny out right now.

Needing:  A nice weekend getaway with David.

Smelling:  Coffee.

Wearing:  Not the PJ's I wish I was still in.  I'm in appropriate adult work attire. /sigh

Following:  Several texts with friends and family.

Noticing:  I'm still not 100% over the cough I had last year.  I'm thankful I didn't get the horrible flu that was going around, I got the cold that seems to stick for a month.

Feeling:  Sleepy, but I could also go for some chocolate or a nice scone with my coffee.

Opening:  The office, time to end this and get ready to start the work day.

Blogstipated

Ugh.  I'm blogstipated.  Is that a thing or did I just make it up?  I think it's a thing.  I'm making it a thing, it's a thing.  I told my friend that earlier, that I was blogstipated.  She laughed, and told me I should blog about that.  I told her it would be short post.  But, after some thought, I guess a short post is better than no post.  So here goes, be ready for a really rambly read.

I've been trying to write a book review, because two of my goals this year are to read more and blog more.  I thought it would be a good way to show I'm doing the reading, and hopefully it would help with the blogging.  Every time I sit down to work on it I feel like I'm writing a book report.  I hated writing book reports in school.  So, there is a lot of sitting and staring at the blinking cursor and a mostly empty post page.

I'm sure part of my problem today is I am a husk of Emily.  I didn't get much sleep last night.  David is out of town for a few nights and I just could not fall asleep.  For once the house wasn't making weird noises, the cat wasn't acting strange (well, she was unusually sweet and photogenic), and I was mellow.  Ended up not falling asleep until 2 am.  I think I slept through my first alarm that went off at 5:30 am.  Maybe I rolled over and shut it off, if I did I have no memory.  I vaguely remember the second alarm going off at 6:30 am.  David called me not long after, thankfully, so then I was awake.  But I'm dragging today.  I have a bit of a lack of sleep headache, and I'm just not feeling fully functional.

our pretty girl

Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight, so I can be more complete tomorrow.

2015 Goals

I had this whole post about how badly the end of 2014 left me feeling, but it made me want to scream so I decided to try again.  It was a rough time, but it's over.  Now is the recovery and rebuilding time.  Rather than resolutions, I thought I'd post some goals.  If I'm lucky enough to accomplish a goal I've listed then I'll have to blog about it.  So with that, here is my list:

• Blog more.  I really do feel better when I post something, even if it's just one of those form things where I share what I'm doing that moment.
• Go to the gym.  I asked for a gym membership for Christmas.  I need to get healthy because I want more years with my husband, my family, and my friends.  Exercise is a big step in doing that.
• Bask in quality time with David.  It's really easy to get bogged down with work stuff, and health stuff and just every day STUFF.  I love those moments where we get away together and it's just us and we don't have to worry about all the STUFF for a day or two.  
• Team up with my mom and make a quilt.  I have an idea for the squares I want to sew, I just need her help in actually making the quilt-I'm not ready to dive into the quilt making myself just yet.
• Lean to do embroidery.  I kind of know how, but I want to do it for real.  I'd like to team up with my mom on lots of quilts and I would like to do pretty squares.
• Hang out with my sisters more.  They are cool people, and there is lots of giggling involved when we all (sisters, spouses, kids) get together.
• Hang out and play games (or watch said games be played) with friends.  My husband likes games.  I will play some, but I'm not as into it as he is.  It would be nice though to have a game night with some friends every month or two.
• Read more.  I've been getting back into books, but I would like to have something that I'm reading every night.  I'd be happy finishing a book a month, but I'm a fast enough reader if I was really serious I could probably finish up to 3 a month.
• Correspond more.  I don't have a big friend base, those friends I do have are people that I value and believe are worth the energy it takes to maintain a friendship.  I want to reach out better, or at least more than I have been.  I want to write letters rather than send texts.
• Find my music.  I used to be very into music.  I played instruments, I listened to music all the time.  It was always on, I was always listening to something.  I feel like that has slipped away and I want to reclaim that again.  

I think that's a pretty good start.  I'm sure there are other things I'd like to work on for this year, but this will just have to do.  I wish everyone success on their own goals for the coming year!

Siblings

I try to be one of those people that doesn't let things get to me, but they do.  I will say I'm okay, or I understand because I don't want my irrational hurt (because usually it is irrational, and then I even out) to cause more hurt or make things worse.  It takes me a while to process, the good and the bad, so really it's best to let me internalize it for a while.  I know that can lead to blow ups and seemingly spontaneous crying fits.  I try not to let it get that bad, but sometimes it just does.  I realized (as I have been stewing about something), I should just write about it.  So, here goes.

Some history first, because I feel like it is required.  My sisters and I have three older half siblings.  I'm changing their names for privacy and will attempt to be vague about too many details in their lives for the same reason.   It's not a big secret.  I don't omit them or pretend they don't exist, they just never come up because they are not a part of our lives.  We've always known about them, but we didn't get to grow up with them and we didn't get to meet them.  I'm not going to go into the details of why, but suffice to say our relationship (or lack there of) was determined by people that thought they were making the best choices for those involved at the time.  Growing up I was always curious, hopeful, and a little afraid that they would appear one day.  I wanted to meet them, these big sisters I always wanted, but I was afraid that maybe they didn't want us or that they were somehow mad at us.

Jane, Mary, and Anne.  Growing up we had been shown pictures of them.  Our grandma had some school photos that had been provided to her, and one of our favorite things to do when we would visit was look at her photo albums.  I think if you could take a photo of the six of us with dad you would see a family resemblance, but in passing I don't think it would be as obvious.  When I was younger I wondered if I would recognize them if we ever ran into them.  The pictures grandma had were old by the time we got our hands on them.  We knew about them, I wondered if they knew about us.

It was around my third year of college when I became aware that Anne was in Portland.  Somehow I also knew where she was working.  It seemed so strange to me, here is this person I'm related to but have never met just a few hours away.  And then it hit me, what was stopping me from meeting her?  After 20 some years of pretty much living in the same place and no one showing up to meet us maybe it was time to make a move.  The only thing that holding me back was not wanting to do something that would come back and hurt dad, or anyone.  But I was tired of not knowing these sisters and all of the sudden I had a way to do something about that.

I talked to dad and told him what I wanted to do.  The idea was, to go up to her place of work with a small support group and finally meet her.  Melanie was going to college not to far from where Anne was working, so my roommate Jayne and I would go stay the night with Melanie and her roommate Sam, and then the four of us would go meed Anne.  I hoped it would go well, and she would want to get to know us and then Sara could meet her.  Dad understood where I was coming from, and was supportive about us meeting her.  Always protective, I was reminded not to get my hopes up because we had no way of knowing what they had been told growing up.  Maybe there was a reason they had not come looking for us and our intrusion (because it very well could be perceived as such) into Anne's life could be unwelcome.  I went in knowing it may not be a good experience.

Planning to do it was easy enough, it was when we were actually headed there and on our way into where she worked that I became incredibly nervous.  The details of the actual event are pretty fuzzy.  I was really glad to have Melanie, Jayne and Sam with me.  We were just showing up, unannounced at Anne's place of employment.  I was a little freaked out about how she was going to respond.  We found the restaurant, and we were seated at a nice table.  I remember wondering what on earth I was doing and was questioning the path I was going down.  Having Melanie there was a huge help.  In an uncharacteristic moment, I took charge of the situation and set things in motion.  I asked the server if Anne was working, which she was, and then asked if he could send her over at her convenience.

Anne came over, and we introduced ourselves.  The encounter is kind of a crazy blur.  I'm pretty sure I was the spokesperson for our group, which is very much unlike me.  I know Anne was surprised and not entirely thrilled, but she handled it well.  She didn't freak out.  She was actually very nice, and more open to the experience than she could have been.  She could have simply said "nope" and walked away.  Instead she took a break and sat down with us to talk.  I told her why we had come, that we didn't have any expectations.  We just wanted to meet her.  We told her what we knew about the situation.  Anne was surprised we knew as much about them as we did, and I was surprised they knew as little about us as they did.  I like to think it meant something, on some level, to Anne that they weren't forgotten.  We exchanged information, and she politely thanked us for finding her, and told us we had given her a lot to think about.  I hoped she would write, but I wasn't sure.

I think we did exchange a few notes or holiday cards, but it would be years after that first meeting before we would get together with Anne again.  I felt good about finally meeting Anne, but there was still this weird awareness that there were sisters out there we didn't know, that were not a part of our lives.

I think the next time we connected with Anne was with Sara's help.  Sara is the more, bold and outgoing of the three of us.  She is really good at making things happen when she wants them to.  She reached out to Anne after she was up at college.  Anne was at a different place in her life, as were all of us.  I think this time around she was a little more curious, and now she had finally met all three of us.  Sara and her husband, Spouse (I know, creative), started getting together with Anne and her fiance, Henry,  Sara invited David and I to one of these dinners that she and Spouse were hosting at their apartment.  We went and had a nice time.  We ended up doing a few more meals together over the next few years.

Getting to know Anne, and Henry, gave me some insight.  We both had very different understandings of what had happened between her mom and our dad.  Also, while none of them held anything specific against the three of us, she was the only one that had any interest in getting to know us.  Jane and Mary wanted nothing to do with us.  I feel like we were thought of as another complication in lives that were already full of complications.  By talking to us, Anne was putting herself in the middle with Jane and Mary.  We weren't pressuring her to introduce us to them, I think they gave her a bit of a hard time for spending any time with us, and I think it was hard for Anne to defend her choice to them.

I have to believe Anne did the best she could, without making things more difficult with her sisters.  It is hard sometimes to understand where they are coming from, but from what we knew of their childhood and adult lives they have their hands full.  It would  have been nice to have talked to them about the things they went though, but it clearly was not meant to be.  While I don't think it's right, having to "take sides," if the table were turned and Melanie and Sara were against meeting Jane, Anne and Mary I would be doing my best not to upset my relationship with either of them.  I wish Jane and Mary could remove how they feel about our dad from the situation and focus on the three half sisters who would love to meet them.  I happen to think Melanie and Sara are pretty awesome, and my life is so much fuller for having them be a part of it.  Jane and Mary are really missing out, and Anne is too because she has to choose.

Okay, sorry about taking so long to get to what this post is really about.  I still feel like the back story was important.  Anne and Henry got married.  They had been waiting for a long time, and I am truly happy for them that they finally made it happen.  Melanie, Sara, and I were not included in the big day.  We weren't invited to the wedding, we weren't invited to any showers, parties, brunches, etc.  I'm not surprised, given how Jane and Mary felt about us it was pretty obvious we wouldn't be included.  I was still hoping there would be a chance there would be some function we'd be invited to that was less family-centric because it would have been really nice to share in this happy time with Anne and Henry.  The weeks leading up to the wedding there were pictures on Facebook of the various brunches, parties and celebrations.  I didn't want to feel hurt that I was not included, but it did hurt.  I understand why, I really do, but it doesn't make it suck any less.  I can't help but think that if Anne really wanted us to feel a part of things or to share in any part of her big event she would have made it happen.

I should probably talk to Anne about how I feel, but this family thing is really touchy in ways I just don't understand.  I wish that Jane and Mary could put aside how they feel about our dad and realize we had nothing to do with what happened.  Instead I feel like in their eyes we carry the "sins" of our father.  I don't have any ill will towards them for the "sins" of their mother.  I don't know if things will ever change.  I guess I have to accept that I will probably spend the rest of my life hating that we never really got the chance to really connect with them, and it's because they didn't want anything to do with us.  Rejection is the worst.

I don't want to end this post on a downer.  I am thankful for the time I've been able to spend with Anne.  But I'm incredibly thankful for the two lovely ladies below that are a part of my life.  We may not always agree, we may not always get along, but not matter what they are here for me.  They love me, they are supportive of me, and they are amazing women.  They are my sisters, I love you Melanie and Sara!

Melanie, Sara, and me